Hearing it from the grapevine

Last year it was a big deal and caused a lengthy talk and many questions because I mentioned the 'thought' of extending my holiday to his sister before telling him. Now there so many things I get to learn when he is talking to other people on the phone... visiting another country soon, having an event to relaunch his business. I can see how easily people start having separate lives. This is sad actually, but we both know we are not in the right place and I don't know if we will ever be.. I don't see it happening especially after certain arrangements have been put in place.

Power of the tongue

I was taught that the power of life and death lies in the tongue... Even in the heat of arguments, I try to control what I say and maybe that is why I get frustrated and throw things instead/ break stuff.... I wish I could fast forward a video of my life and see how certain things turn out, how it will all end up. I fear certain things...I don't think we are heading in the right direction but right now I don't have the strength to do anything about it.. I'm worn out and certainly can't debate anymore about anything. Thinking back, I realize I've never really been with people who are activists or great debaters..its always been some talking, complaints and some easy going times with friends..it's just something I'm not used to and I shouldn't try and be someone I am not if I dont have what it takes.

FREE, FREE AT LAST!!!

My mind is free!!!!! I'm finally at peace over a partnership agreement that I spent too much time thinking about a few months ago. It's great when you look at something from a different perspective. So, after all, it is true, not in theory as I had heard before, but now I see it and experience it, you MUST allow people to chase and follow their dreams and wishes.. you must. And you should chart your own course because no one has the responsibility to make you happy...you must find your own happiness in life. woooo hoooo!!!

Fights and loneliness

I don't know what to say, but I must write, otherwise I will forget.
I don't know what is going on between me and my husband... but I suspect neither of us is happy.
Maybe my expectations are too high (even though I had planned to have zero expectations, it seems that is easier said than done). I wish someone could tell me..is it just me/my husband or is it men.
I would like my husband to offer help without me asking, and if I do ask, I would like him to do it without sighing and making me feel like I have pushed him so far away from his comfort zone.
The last 3 or 4 times we have had guests, I have done 97% of the work- From the planning, shopping and cooking the food to Setting the table and serving the guests. Today, I got really fed up and asked him, as he lay on the couch watching soccer, if in his eyes there was any difference between me and a domestic worker, he said I was prettier..thinking he was funny. I smiled but really, it wasn't funny as I was serious.
Later he said to me that he gave up eating dinner at home because I made him feel that I was cooking and he wasn't, that all he did was come home from work and eat...so he decided, to be fair, he would stop eating.. SERIOUSLY???!!!
If I say anything, what I feel, it is turned around and I regret saying anything. I don't know how my life can go on like this... I want to pull my hair out, I want to scream, I want to scratch my skin off. I am so frustrated. I love him but I don't understand him and he doesnt understand me... Love doesn't seem to be enough. I can't say anything because it will be another even bigger fight.
I felt he wasn't hearing me out today and I got so frustrated, cursed (which I never do) and threw my hair drier on the floor in anger...it broke.
I'm so tired, I'm so cried out, I have no close friends here...I feel like I just want to die, I feel so alone, so lonely.
I want to be happy. I'm going crazy.

Getting on with it

Time waits for no man...they should add that woman should not wait for any man.
Why wait for him to get stuff from the attic, or take the trash out, or bring the wheelie bin back in... or do the yard, clear up after in the kitchen or join in activites. I'm done expecting or hoping for some things. It's liberating to just get on with stuff. ..even stuff that some of my friends say should be done by the man. Low or zero expectations allow low or zero disappointment.

HAPPY? ANNIVERSARY

So, today is my wedding anniversary.. 3 years ago on this very day, I was the happiest (and most beautiful :) ) lady and bride. It wasn't just the thought that I was getting married to the man I loved, my life was also generally good and I was just a happy person. Getting married brought changes, biggest of which was I had to move to an entirely new country. Get out of my comfort zone, leave my friends, leave behind the city I loved and knew to a new place that was at times a strange place.
3 years on, what wise words do I have... none. I'm probably more confused than I was before I got married. It's funny, pre-marriage, I would attend bridal showers and give 'advice' (what does an unmarried girl know about marriage..fun times though) and now,the only thins I say is 'All best' to the person about to make the leap.
I was once told that your husband/ wife is someone you 'do life with' - you make investments together, you have babies, you raise your kids, you pay bills and hopefully you progress and somehow support each others goals. At the time, I thought that was a rather sad way to think of your spouse, but now I wonder...was there some wisdom in that.. maybe it is true..maybe the way to have successful and long lasting marriage is to stop thinking of your spouse as this person who is going to be your best friend and someone you will spend long cold nights with, cuddling in front of the fireplace. Your spouse may be too busy getting on with life, working long hours to make sure bills are paid, savings are maintained and personal goals as well are attained. When that happens, I find it hard to engage in usual, un thought out coversation. He is too busy with work and in turn I have also started my own small side hustle (which has started off well!) to keep me busy and keep the loneliness at bay.
What is the future for us? I wonder...I really do.
I feel that soo many days of silence are passing that we may soon not know how to talk to each other. Tears are in my eyes now, because sadly I feel we are becoming strangers to each other.
Marriage can be and should be a wonderful and enriching experience... sadly, right now, mine isn't.

Past is past?

I'm married, have been for almost 3 years now. If you are not married or have been married for 15 plus years, you are probably thinking, 'that's a short time'..and really, it is a short time, however at times it feels like it's been a very long time.
In this foreign land that has been my home for the period I've been married, I've struggled to settle down and fit in. My husband having lived here much longer than I have, had his friends who have now become my friends...some of them atleast, knows his way around and generally is used to and seems to like the life here.
In our long distance dating, I now realize my husband had a section of his life, with another set of friends, a life that was never mentioned. I must admit, he was good at it, good at been silent even when he had lots of exciting things going on in his life, good at never mentioning the concerts attended, the restaurants they ate in, markets visited and walks in the parks, good at creating an image of having a boring life that only involved work and relaxing at home over weekends.
I on the other hand, was naive or stupid.. talking about what I was up to on the other side of the world over weekends, talking about new friends who I thought were so funny. He didn't get to meet all my friends during the times he came to see me but he did at least hear of them.
Is it wrong for me to feel anything about this, should I think it is not necessary or important and was all in the past. Some people are private people, others like me, can't seem to contain it when they have experienced something good or exciting (perhaps this should be in past tense as I have now learnt to keep my mouth shut)
To my surprise, at the end of one of our holidays, I saw something that left no doubt about one of his 'friends' . During a short break up we had, he met a girl and they started to have a relationship that did not end even when we made up. 'Sorry for the overlap' he once said to me.
I got over that and even married him knowing what I knew.
I however wonder what would have happened if roles were reversed.
'Forget about the past' people often preach...however, the past lays the foundation for the future.
Even if I would want to completely forget, how can I , when the 2 of them have now gone into business together.
Perhaps, I will come to see, that I am twice the fool.